


by any other name

by spadebrigade (orphan_account)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Relationships, College, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Roommates, Trans Yamaguchi Tadashi, some tsukki/kuroo but that's not the point!!, tendou is wise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23058649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/spadebrigade
Summary: Since starting college, Yamaguchi has been different: he talks more, is more outgoing, and is...gay. Which doesn't bother Tsukishima. But with how much Yamaguchi has evolved, will he be left behind? Or will he be incredibly dumb and let Yamaguchi go while he messes with Kuroo?
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 28
Kudos: 178





	1. part one

**Author's Note:**

> a prequel(?) of sorts to “a fortune i couldn’t foresee”. the detailed story of how tsukishima confessed to yamaguchi. yams is trans for no reason except i love him and i see him that way

Tsukishima didn’t notice it until the middle of their first semester at university. They were sitting in McDonald’s around one am, too tired to study but awake enough to talk and make fun of their professors. He was in the middle of sipping his strawberry milkshake when it caught his attention.

Yamaguchi was laughing, a sort of ease smoothing his freckled cheeks as he dipped a fry into his vanilla ice cream. That’s when it clicked: Yamaguchi was...different.

Not just now; it had started when they graduated high school. It was almost as though some weight had been lifted from his shoulders, and he had talked about how excited he was to leave home, to go to college and become someone else where no one knew him. (No one except Tsukki, of course, but he was never a part of “everyone” to begin with.) He talked more, laughed louder. And started liking boys.

Well--he didn’t start then, Tsukishima supposed. He had probably always liked boys, but had never mentioned it. Until they were side by side in their shitty apartment, shoulders pressed together in front of textbooks, pretending to focus on math formulas while the TV blared a terrible action movie.

“Look at her,” Tsukishima had said, pointing to the lead actress, whose dress was strategically ripped, dirt lining her face daintily, as it tended to do during the apocalypse (and somehow her hair was still in perfect shape). “Apparently, she’s the hottest actress of the year.” He recalled reading about it in some Buzzfeed article.

“She’s not that hot,” Yamaguchi scoffed, pushing at Tsukishima’s legs with his feet.

“Oh yeah? Who’s hotter?”

“Literally any Hemsworth brother.” He rolled his eyes, as if it were obvious.

Tsukishima stared.

A flush formed on the other’s face. “I-I mean, objectively, of course!”

A sarcastic smile formed on Tsukishima’s face. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Yamaguchi clutched a pillow to his chest, attempting to bury his face in it.

“Yamaguchi, do you like guys?” He wasn’t one for subtlety.

Yamaguchi raised his head hesitantly, meeting his eyes. “...I do. Is there something wrong with that?”

Tsukishima, without thinking, shook his head. Why would there be something wrong with that? As if there could be anything wrong with Yamaguchi.

His silent answer seemed to be the right one, because Yamaguchi’s shoulders relaxed and he lifted his head from the pillow.

That had been months ago. And it seemed that Yamaguchi had been waiting for his stamp of approval, because afterwards, he didn’t hide his interest in guys from anyone. Especially not Tsukishima. Nor did he hide his previous identity; he stuck rainbow and blue-and-white-and-pink pins to his backpack and his one denim jacket that he’d painted himself.

Tsukishima didn’t hate it. He was just...surprised. He’d known that things would change as they got older, left high school, but he hadn’t expected Yamaguchi to change so much. Yamaguchi who painted his nails and pierced his tongue (before getting an infection scare and quickly getting rid of it). Yamaguchi who quickly found other queer friends to hang out with. He didn’t abandon Tsukki. They still hung out.

But things felt different. And he couldn’t complain. What kind of asshole would he be if he said ‘hey, you’re happier now and you have more friends but I think that you should spend more time with me’? And for what reason? He wasn’t good company, no matter what Yamaguchi said. If he was, then he’d have more friends.

They were out getting coffee in the most crowded cafe on campus. Yamaguchi had a latte and Tsukishima was drinking a coffee that was barely coffee with how much heavy cream and whipped cream and other crap that was in it, but he still insisted on adding sugar. When he asked for it, Yamaguchi handed him a packet. He felt soft fingers against his, the warmth sinking into the pads of them, lingering for just a second before pulling away.

He was sure it was nothing, so he didn’t mention it as he stirred the crystals into his not-drink.

“Tsukki,” Yamaguchi said, causing his gaze to flicker upwards. He was doing that thing where he touched the corner of his mouth with his thumb: a nervous habit he’d had since they were kids.

“Yeah?” he returned calmly, unsure of where this was headed.

“I was...I was thinking of trying a dating app,” he said, eyes stuck on the table, moving his cup two inches to the right and setting it down again. His eyes met Tsukki’s. “...Do you think I should do it?”

Tsukishima felt his chest tighten. A variety of answers ran through his head. 

_ Why would you want to date anyone? We should focus on our studies. _

_ Dating apps are for losers. You won’t find someone good on there anyway. _

_ What do you need a boyfriend for when you have me? _

He didn’t know why he picked “Yeah, go for it.” In the most casual tone in the world, not like he wanted to puke or clench his fists. He lifted his coffee and took a sip, sickened by the taste.

Something twitched in Yamaguchi’s face, but he must have imagined it. Yamaguchi was smiling. “Okay, I think I will.”

That was when it started. The dates. Yamaguchi would get home from class and put on his good sneakers and tame his hair with product and leave Tsukishima with a nauseous pit in his stomach. On the better days, Yamaguchi would ask for luck, smile nervously before heading out the door. The worst days were when his dates came to pick him up and Tsukishima got a glance at whoever it was with the big muscles, the strong jawline. People who could have looked like Hemsworth brothers, who made him look down at his scrawny arms and made him wish he worked out more, maybe looked more like Bokuto.

It was after a few of those run-ins with Yamaguchi’s dates that Tsukishima decided that maybe he should look for someone, too. And as luck would have it, someone found him.

He didn’t have to go very far. It was the end of practice. Kuroo was on a high; his side of the court (which included Tsukishima, in this case) had beaten Bokuto’s side five games out of eight. 

His hyena-like laugh rose into the air. “Who’s joining me for drinks?”

Nearly everyone voiced their disagreement; they were tired, had to study, had to work tomorrow.

“What about you, Tsukki?” He wore that grin that Tsukishima would come to know as deadly.

“Okay.” Like most things he regretted, he said it without thinking.

Kuroo’s eyes widened. “Huh?! Tsukishima going out for drinks? Now I know this is a party!”

Kuroo clapped a hand on his back and it wasn’t long before they arrived at the bar, Kuroo ordering beers for both of them. He didn’t mind being around Kuroo; they’d known each other since high school, after all, and the former captain was accustomed to his quiet nature and dry sense of humor. Before he knew how it happened, they were a few rounds in, and had gone from drinking beer to heavier, more bitter alcohol.

“Hey, Tsukki, why haven’t you found a girlfriend yet?” Kuroo asked with that dangerous smile, nursing a vodka and coke without much coke. “I know you used to be popular.”

He shrugged in response, before sipping the tequila that Kuroo had recommended, frowning at the way it burned his throat. “I’m not really interested.”

“Oh?” Kuroo raised his brows in amusement. “Don’t tell me you’re into guys now.”

He paused for a moment, trying to form the words in his buzzed brain. “I don’t know. I’ve never tried it.”

“Would you like to try it with me?”

It was a joke, Tsukishima knew. It came out with an almost-laugh, a smile in Kuroo’s eyes.

“Okay.”

His casual response caused Kuroo to nearly spit out his drink, coughing as he looked up at the blond. “Wait, really?”

Tsukishima nodded, fingers toying with a coaster on the table. “I don’t see why not. You’re not ugly.”

“Not ugly?” Kuroo laughed. “You’re really charming, y’know.”

His eyes met Kuroo’s in a gaze that was sharper than he felt. “I bet you can’t even fuck well.”

Kuroo’s face changed. In a few seconds, it had gone from amused to pure steel, something unfamiliar burning in his eyes. Tsukishima would later learn that this meant that Kuroo was taking him up on the challenge.

He didn’t remember how, but they’d ended up in Tsukishima’s apartment (Yamaguchi had gone home for the weekend). Kuroo’s lips pressed against his hot and hard, and he tried not to gasp at the way an insistent tongue captured his own or the way rough hands traveled under his shirt, over his crotch. He covered his embarrassing noises with teases, egging Kuroo on even as his back hit his bed, fumbling awkwardly until Kuroo adjusted his legs over his hips.

It was too much, even when Kuroo was only sliding a few slick fingers into him. And it only became worse when his actual dick when in, when he had Tsukishima rocking his hips harder, harder into Kuroo until he came with a cry, Kuroo soon after.

As soon as it was over, and he was panting, looking at his ceiling in a haze, he knew this would happen again, no matter how sore he’d be or how bad of an idea it was.

He didn’t tell Kuroo that he’d lost his virginity that night. What would the point have been? Kuroo would have just gotten all weird, probably gotten more attached. He didn’t get why people wanted to have their first time with someone they liked, anyway. Why use your first time on someone you like when you suck at sex? At least he could practice with Kuroo, though that wasn’t the real reason he wanted to do it again. The combination of alcohol and Kuroo was the only thing that could get Yamaguchi out of his head, even though it was only for a while.

It wasn’t long before Yamaguchi found out. Though he wasn’t trying very hard to hide it. They’d been fucking (for lack of a better word; they certainly weren’t dating) for a few weeks. He woke up, mildly hungover, to find Yamaguchi sitting at the kitchen table. His face was settled into a deep frown, a cup of coffee in front of him that had gone cold.

“Morning,” Tsukishima grunted, pouring a cup of tea for himself.

“Tsukishima,” Yamaguchi said, and he could sense what was coming because Yamaguchi never, never called him ‘Tsukishima,’ “I saw Kuroo leave your room early this morning. Did he sleep over?”

“Yeah,” he answered simply, slowly pouring honey into his tea. His throat was a bit sore from deepthroating the night before, but he saw no need to share such details.

“Oh. I didn’t know you guys were that close.”

“We’re not. It just happened.”

“...What’s that on your neck?”

His hand immediately went to cover the spot. He’d forgotten how Kuroo had bitten it last night.  _ Crap. _ He must have left a mark without Tsukishima noticing.

“I…” Yamaguchi’s brows furrowed, and his eyes landed on the table as he tried to control the shake in his voice, “I didn’t know you...liked guys.”

Another statement he didn’t know how to answer. He watched the steam rise out of his stegosaurus mug that Yamaguchi had gotten him for his last birthday. “I didn’t either.”

A long moment passed. He didn’t dare look up, or anywhere that wasn’t in the center of his mug. It could have been several minutes. It could have been years.

A loud bang caused him to jump. Yamaguchi had slammed his fist against the table. 

“Kei Tsukishima, you are...the coldest person I’ve ever met. You didn’t think that maybe it was information that I’d want to know? That you’re--that you’re gay or whatever you are.” His eyes brimmed with tears, the wetness staining the words that came next. “You--you know how h-hard--how important it was for me to tell you and you just didn’t think to mention it?”

Tsukishima felt like shit for reasons that had nothing to do with the mild thudding in his head from his hangover or the various aches that littered his body. He felt like he’d been stabbed in the chest with a blunt knife.

“And with  _ Kuroo _ ?” Yamaguchi emphasized, moving his arms into a wide ‘what the fuck’ gesture. “You didn’t think it was worth mentioning that you’re--that you’re with one of our high school rivals? The fuck’s wrong with you?”

Tsukishima shifted in discomfort, gripping his mug more tightly. He gave no answer.

Yamaguchi raised his arms to his head, pulling at his hair. “I can’t believe it. You really don’t care, do you?”

After listening to another bout of silence, Yamaguchi groaned in frustration and stormed out of the kitchen, out of the apartment. As the door slammed, Tsukishima lifted the mug to his lips and allowed the burning hot tea to slide into his mouth, scalding his throat and numbing his taste buds.

[Text to: rooster face] let’s meet up tonight

Their “meet ups” became a somewhat regular occurrence. Since they didn’t go to the same university and had other schedule conflicts, there was never any guarantee that they’d be able to see each other on a particular day. In a way, it was fitting that they’d ruin each other so spontaneously. When Yamaguchi was out, they’d end up at Tsukki’s place. Otherwise, they’d end up in a bar bathroom, in a gym shower, but never at Kuroo’s apartment. He knew that it was because Kenma would be home, but that didn’t bother him.

His status with his own roommate had changed. After his fight with Yamaguchi (if you could call it a fight when it was more like he’d just been yelled at), things became awkward for a while before going back to almost-normal. It was almost-normal because every time they were together, one, if not both of them, sat with a sort of stiffness, held a certain clipped tone in their voice. They were still roommates, still best friends. But now there was this thin, invisible wall between them. A piece of paper that was held between two sets of palms, never ripping and never dropped by either person.

He wasn’t happy about it, but he got used to it. He got used to their silences, their sudden lack of conversations about Yamaguchi’s dates even though he knew that the other was still going on them. It just made them even, he supposed, since he never talked about Kuroo.

Kuroo, with his wild hair and wilder grin, who was all hands and teeth and knew just where to bite and tug to make him feel good, to make him come undone. Kuroo, who he never saw sober outside of practice and who was always more than willing to try out a bad idea.

He began to think that maybe Kuroo was a bad idea when he received yet another hickey after explicitly telling Kuroo not to give him one, again. Yeah, when they had sex, it was kind of like a fight for who had the most power (of which there was never a clear winner), but when he said “don’t leave anymore gross bruises on my neck” he fucking meant it because he was tired of people staring at him like he’d been attacked by a vampire.

It didn’t help when he ran into Suga and Daichi while at the mall one day and they’d insisted on having lunch together. He’d watched as they (not very discreetly) held hands under the table and when Suga said something funny, Daichi looked at him with such a soft expression that it should have made him want to vomit, but instead it put a pang in his chest. He wanted to look at someone like that.

And he’d never look at Kuroo like that, he knew. It wasn’t that he hated Kuroo. Kuroo had always been a friend, a mentor. Someone to take advice from and who was fun to joke around with. More lately, he’d been fun to fool around with. Even more lately, he’d been kind of annoying, especially with how much he’d talk about Kenma when he was drunk and checked his texts to see if (guess who) had texted him.

But he didn’t have any concrete plans to do something about it until a joint practice. Not with Kuroo and Bokuto’s squad, but with another set of players, which included Shiratorizawa alumni.

“It’s my favorite bean pole,” Tendou smirked as Tsukishima walked in.

“Hello,” he bowed his head politely.

“Don’t pretend to be formal, you cheeky bastard!”

He hadn’t done anything and he was already irritating Tendou. But that was to be expected. Luckily(?), they were playing on the same side of the court today, where he could use the red head’s intuition to his advantage and Tendou could use his strategizing. It wasn’t easy, though, since Goshiki and some former Date Tech players were on the other side of the net.

“Tsukki,” Tendou began, using the nickname that somehow everyone had become accustomed to, “You’re off your game today. Are you too intimidated by my amazing skills?”

He mumbled a reply distractedly, causing the other’s eyes to narrow. Their conversation ended there.

When they took a break, he saw Tendou looking at him from the corner of his eye and chatting with the other players. He couldn’t know for sure what they were saying, but he was pretty sure that word had gotten around about him and Kuroo. Probably because it was so obvious. 

The thought that he was being gossiped about only distracted him more, and it affected his plays. At one point, he slammed into Tendou mid-air, causing them both to tumble to the ground and miss the ball.

“Be careful, bean pole,” Tendou clicked his tongue. “You’ll hurt someone.” But his tone was more knowing than harsh.

Tsukishima made no comment, pretending that everything was fine even as he continued messing up throughout practice. When it was over, he was ready to run out the door, when a hand caught his shoulder. Tendou’s hand.

“Y’know, even with your mess ups, you’ve been improving. Let me buy you a meal.”

He frowned. He didn’t know what Tendou had in mind, but he wasn’t dumb enough to turn down free food. Besides, if Kuroo texted him, then he’d at least have an excuse not to hook up.

“Sure.”

Tendou led him to some ramen place that he’d never been to before, chatting during the entire train ride and subsequent walk. “Their broth is  _ amazing  _ here,” he said, fingers forming an “okay” symbol to emphasize his point.

Tsukishima remained largely quiet, letting the other drone on about whatever he liked (mostly manga and volleyball) until they got their meals. Finally, when Tendou paused to slurp up some noodles, he spoke.

“I know I was terrible at practice today. Why did you really want to take me out?”

Tendou nearly choked on his ramen, making sure to swallow before he straightened in his seat, answering, “You really like getting to the point, don’t you? At least buy me a drink first.”

“What are you, Kuroo?” The question, along with a snort, slipped out of him before he could think it through.

“Ah, so you are seeing Kuroo.” His eyes narrowed with interest.

Tsukishima looked at his bowl, stirring his ramen with his chopsticks. “I don’t know if I’m ‘seeing’ him. It’s usually dark when we’re together.” He paused, sighing. The more he spoke, the more his shoulders sagged. “Why am I telling you this?”

“Because I’m a great listener,” Tendou piped, grinning. “And because you need some help.”

He crossed his arms skeptically. “What did the others tell you?”

Tendou shrugged. “Just what I need to know. We’re all in touch, y’know. And all your volleyball uncles have been worried about you. Kuroo, too, but you’re more his victim than the other way around.”

Tsukishima snorted. “I started things with him, so I wouldn’t be a victim, would I?”

Tendou shrugged again. “Maybe. But if anyone should know better, it’s him.”

“Are you just here to warn me about Kuroo?” He picked up his drink, feigning boredom.

“Not exactly. This is more about...what’s his name? The one with the freckles.”

Tsukishima’s eyes widened. This reaction seemed to please Tendou, who smirked. “Your best friend, right?”

“Well...yeah.” He shifted uncomfortably. “But he hates me. He basically called me heartless. So I don’t see the point in making up with him.”

“Tsukki,” Tendou said seriously, setting aside his chopsticks to fold his hands under his chin. “I know that we haven’t exactly bonded in the past. But…” he paused, sighing, looking upwards as though retrieving a memory. “I know how it feels when people talk about you, or say things to your face. People used to call me a monster. All the time. And...it hurt me so deeply that I wanted nothing more than to prove them right. I was like, ‘I’ll show you how much of a monster I am.’ And I’d do everything in my power to wreck them, to break their heart.”

His eyes shifted back to Tsukishima. “...Trust me, it might feel good to do that. It might feel good to be that person they think you are. But it feels so, so much better to prove them wrong.”

Tsukishima felt himself blinking. He didn’t know what he’d done to deserve such...kindness from Tendou. Sure, he felt super awkward and kind of wanted to disappear with how personal this was getting. But at the same time...it was nice to know that someone understood him, for once.

After a lengthy pause, he looked up at Tendou and gave a half-hearted chuckle. “When did you get so wise?”

Tendou cracked a self-assured grin. “I’m the Dalai fuckin’ Lama, bean pole.”

  
  


He couldn’t see Kuroo anymore. It had been fun. Risky, even. But the thought of having sex with him again made Tsukishima’s skin crawl. He didn’t like Kuroo like that, so why bother? It was illogical. But he knew that Kuroo would have a hard time seeing it that way.

The next time they ended up seeing each other was another practice, which was convenient for Tsukishima. He didn’t have to dodge flirty texts or requests for nudes (not that he ever sent any to begin with, though he received a good amount). He found himself focusing better than ever during those practice games, though Bokuto’s side gave them a run for their money.

When it was over, and he gathered his things, he stepped outside the back of the gym, in the alley, where he and Kuroo usually talked. Often made out. But today, he’d decided, they were just going to talk.

“Kuroo,” he said shortly when they were alone, the night air cooling the sweat on his forehead, “I don’t want to see you anymore.”

Kuroo’s smile didn’t match the furrow of his brows, the confusion in his eyes. “What are you talking about?”

“It’s over.”

“Come on, Tsukki,” Kuroo grinned, looking a little more like his usual self as he wrapped his arms around Tsukishima’s waist. “You know you can’t resist me~”

“Actually, I can, Kuroo,” Tsukishima replied, lightly pushing the other way, before adding in a mumble, “though I haven’t in the past.”

“Last time, we nearly broke your bed-”

“Kuroo please,” he crossed his arms. “You know this isn’t healthy.”

“What ever do you mean? We get in a lot of  _ exercise. _ ”

“This…’relationship’, if you could call it that,” Tsukishima rolled his eyes, “is not going to work. We can’t just act like everything is fine at practice and then get drunk and maul each other.”

“I see no problem.”

He scoffed. “That’s the problem.”

“So what if we go a little rough?” Kuroo asked, running a hand through his already messy hair. “I thought you liked that.”

“It’s less about the physical aspect of it and more about the mental part.”

“Oh, come on-”

“I think we’d be better off the way we were before this started. Just practicing together.”

“But there’s no one like you, Tsukki.”

His golden eyes narrowed knowingly. “Maybe not like me…”

Kuroo crossed his arms, scowling. “All right, what the fuck are you going on about?”

“Go home to Kenma, Kuroo. I’m sure he’s waiting for you.”

And with that, he turned, leaving Kuroo alone in the night. He was glad that he’d gotten it over with--he’d been to the point, but not mean, he didn’t think--but the action provided him with no relief. Dumping Kuroo had been the easy part.

The hard part was convincing Yamaguchi that he wasn’t an asshole. He’d done it for most of their friendship, but with his luck lately, he wasn’t sure if he could do it again.


	2. part two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tsukki hopes that he can say the right thing for once

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a warning that this chapter has references to gender dysphoria! other than that, please enjoy ~

Tsukishima chewed his lip anxiously the whole way home. He really couldn’t fuck this one up, or it’d be it. Yamaguchi would hate him for good. He’d already had a taste of life without Yamaguchi, with how the other had been avoiding him, and he was miserable. He had to admit that.

He’d never had much of an appetite to begin with, but food literally tasted worse when he wasn’t eating with Yamaguchi. Every pair of hands was too rough, the wrong shape, except Yamaguchi’s with his painted nails and soft fingertips. Winter was his least favorite season because it made Yamaguchi’s freckles disappear and how dare the fucking weather take away something so beautiful, that made him...him?

He took a deep breath before stepping into their apartment. When he entered, the scent of cleaning spray overwhelmed his nostrils. Immediately, he knew that Yamaguchi had cleaned the kitchen, something he did when he was nervous.

“Hey,” he greeted casually, taking off his shoes. “Is everything okay?”

“Ts-Tsukki!” Came the reply as Yamaguchi hurried out of the bathroom, hair half-slicked back with product, the other half totally untouched. He’d been in the middle of doing it. “You’re home early.”

“Yeah.” He gave Yamaguchi a once-over. “Are you...going somewhere?” He already knew the answer.

“Y-yeah, I was just going to meet this guy…” he trailed off, reading Tsukishima’s cold expression. “Weren’t you...I mean, wasn’t Kuroo going to come over?”

“No,” he replied plainly, going into the kitchen and setting his bag on the table. “I dumped him.”

“What?!” Yamaguchi nearly gasped, pressing into his space in the way that he always did before, looking for answers in his eyes. Concern coated his face, an expression Tsukishima had missed. “Why? What happened?”

“There’s someone else I like.” And he didn’t need to say it because his eyes gave him away, eyes that settled on Yamaguchi’s face like they had never looked at anyone else.

But Yamaguchi wanted him to say it anyway. A single, eternal moment passed. “...Who?”

Tsukki cupped his cheek, fingers ghosting over the freckles that he’d longed to touch. “You.”

But he didn’t get his shoujou moment. Instead of gazing into his eyes, gasping dramatically, or declaring his undying love, Yamaguchi’s eyes slid to the floor. His face scrunched up into a pained expression. “Tsukki…”

He could feel his heart speed up in his chest, rising to his throat. His hand remained still, until Yamaguchi gently moved it away.

He thought he’d choke on his own heart.

“You can’t expect me to believe that,” Yamaguchi said gently, meeting his eyes. “After...after all this?”

He swallowed hard, trying to figure out where he went wrong. “I…” He was at a loss for words, face screwing into a puzzled expression.

“You don’t know, do you?” Yamaguchi shook his head in disbelief. “I’ve been in love with you since middle school.”

Tsukishima’s eyes widened. He felt himself take a step back in pure shock.

“God, you are--” Yamaguchi shook his head, chuckling sadly. “Yeah, it’s been that long. And you’ve liked me for what, a day? A week? After you--you started screwing Kuroo behind my back.”

“It’s been longer.” He thought that his chest was going to explode. How could he explain to Yamaguchi that he had never cared about anything this much before? “I--I don’t know how long. At least since graduation.”

“Then why did you let me sign up for that stupid dating app?”

“I didn’t know you liked me!” He exclaimed, flinging his arms up animatedly before he could stop himself. “How was I supposed to know when you’ve always been the same way with me? I’ve never had a boyfriend. I never--I’ve never even had a friend before you.”

Admitting all of this was more stressful than watching Hinata cross a half-frozen pond in the winter. Feelings were gross. He hated them. But he couldn’t change what he felt for Yamaguchi.

His words seemed to be working, at least. Yamaguchi paused, looking away in deep concentration. Finally, after staring at the ground for forever, he looked back up to Tsukishima. “What do you like about me?”

“First of all,” he began in annoyance, because as far as he was concerned, this was the most ridiculous conversation he’d ever had. “I don’t _ like. Anything.  _ About you, okay? I  _ love. Everything.  _ About you.”

At these words, Yamaguchi’s face already flared up into a bright red, but he continued, undeterred.

“I love your smile and how your nose crinkles when you laugh. I love how soft your hands are. I love all of your freckles, the way you dip your fries into your ice cream. When Sailor Moon comes on, the way you sing the theme song is the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen. I know you don’t like how soft your face is, but I love it and everything about you is soft and gentle and you like me even though I’m always cold and mean and-”

He had to pause, trying to force his throat to loosen, to un-form the lump that had gotten stuck there. But before he got the chance, his cheeks were in Yamaguchi’s hands and his lips were warm--they were kissing. Yamaguchi kissed him.

His eyes immediately closed as he reached for the other, afraid this would pass him by all too quickly. But he had no need to worry, because Yamaguchi kissed him slowly and steadily, tasting like vanilla and filling him with an electricity he’d never experienced before.

When Yamaguchi pulled away, he felt dazed, prepared to beg for another kiss or maybe take one for himself.

“You’re not cold or mean,” Yamaguchi said gently, so close that Tsukki could feel the words exhaled against his lips. “You’re just Tsukki.”

He opened his mouth to form a reply, but before he could, Yamaguchi’s phone started ringing. 

“This is so romantic,” he said sarcastically over the noise.

Yamaguchi scoffed in reply, pulling his phone out of his pocket. Only to nearly choke on his own spit. Before Tsukishima could ask who it was, he held it to his ear, answering. 

“Hiiii. Sorry, I’m gonna have to cancel our date. I just--I have a boyfriend. Sorry.” He hung up.

Tsukishima blinked. He didn’t know what surprised him more, the fact that Yamaguchi could be so rude to someone or--”I’m your boyfriend?”

He raised a brow in amusement. “Are you saying you don’t want to be?”

He immediately pulled Yamaguchi against him, burying his face in his hair, which smelled like a mix of hair gel and coconut shampoo. “There’s nothing else I’d rather be.”

Yamaguchi hummed, pleased.

An idea came to him. He pulled back, looking at Yamaguchi’s face. “We should go on a date.”

For reasons unknown to him, Yamaguchi blushed at the suggestion.

“You were getting ready anyway,” he reasoned, heart beating too quickly for his casual tone, “Why let it go to waste?”

And with the world’s prettiest smile, Yamaguchi said yes, definitely, and he disappeared into his room to finish doing his hair while Tsukki hopped into the shower (he was still sweaty from practice, which seemed like it ended a million years ago). When he got out and had to face his closet, he felt ridiculous because Yamaguchi has seen all of his clothes before and nothing he owned was particularly nice anyway. But he settled on ripped jeans and a green sweater that Yamaguchi had once complimented.

He shouldn’t be this nervous, he realized. He was just going out with Yamaguchi. It wouldn’t be that different from any other time they’d hung out. But despite his thoughts, he had to wipe his sweaty palms on his jeans over and over.

There was a knock at his bedroom door. “Are you ready?”

“Yes.”

Tsukishima had never felt so awkward around him as they walked through the park, until Yamaguchi held his hand. And then all at once, the strangeness of it dissolved. He laced their fingers together, silently enjoying the warmth that radiated off the other.

“I think you’ll need to come up with a new nickname for me,” he said during their sixth lap around the park, “You came up with ‘Tsukki’ but now everyone calls me that.”

“You want there to be something that only I call you?”

He nodded.

“Well,” Yamaguchi began slyly, a shy smile crossing his lips, “No one really calls you ‘Kei,’ right?”

His face immediately felt warm. He couldn’t remember the last time Yamaguchi called him by his first name. Had it felt this good then?

“No,” he admitted, wondering if the dizzy feeling came from the way-too-good smell of Yamaguchi’s cologne.

“Okay then...Kei.” A smile settled on his face as he said it again.

“Fine, Tadashi.”

He succeeded in turning Tadashi red without even trying that hard, snickering at the blush on his face. In return, he received whines and a threat to stop holding his hand, which he didn’t carry through.

Things kept changing after that. They weren’t big things. They still lived together, but now it wasn’t unusual for him to fall asleep next to Tadashi in his bed, or the other way around. They still went out together as they always did, but now they held hands wherever they went and stole kisses when they thought no one was looking. Now they called each other by their first names, which took both of them getting used to, especially Tadashi who slipped and called him “Tsukki” whenever he was irritated. But Kei didn’t mind because it was cute.

Another thing that changed was the sex: they definitely hadn’t done that before. And they didn’t do it right away, either. It was months into their relationship before anything like that happened, and Kei didn’t want to push, because he was the reason they’d taken so long to get together in the first place.

But when it happened, he knew that there was no better time.

It was one of those nights when they’d long ago given up on homework, laying beside each other on Tadashi’s bed. Tadashi was saying something about his art class when Kei got distracted by a freckle, one he hadn’t seen before (he knew every freckle on Tadashi’s face) and reached out to touch it. He ended up very tenderly cupping his boyfriend’s cheek, which stopped the other mid-sentence and sent a blush across his face.

“Kei,” he murmured, carrying the weight of the world in that one syllable.

“Sorry,” he said, but clearly didn’t mean it because before he knew it, he was kissing Tadashi.

He couldn’t help it, really. Tadashi’s lips were right there, looking really soft. And the kiss proved him right. If Tadashi minded being interrupted, then he didn’t show it, leaning into Kei’s hand and releasing a soft, barely-there noise into the kiss.

The waves of electric tingles that passed through his body were not new to him, but he knew that he’d never get used to them, pulling Tadashi flush against him to feel more, more. Soft fingers laced themselves in his hair, and he could have pulled away, but it wasn’t enough for him. He poked his tongue into Tadashi’s mouth, and Tadashi let him, enveloping in the warmth and the taste of energy drinks that they’d both drank earlier. He slid a hand under Tadashi’s shirt, resting it on his abdomen, and felt the other tense beneath his fingers.

He pulled away, just far enough to keep him in focus. Brown eyes shifted away from him, embarrassed.

“Kei, you know I don’t mind you touching me. It’s just…”

It was just his body, Kei knew. It didn’t look the way Tadashi thought it should.

“We don’t have to do anything,” he pointed out, voice taking on a gentle tone that was only reserved for his boyfriend.

“No, I want to. I just…” His fingers fidgeted in Kei’s hair.

“You know,” he said, picking up where the other trailed off, “No matter what your body looks like, you’re still a boy.” A pause. “A boy I’m very attracted to.” Another pause, shorter. “And in love with.”

The look that Tadashi gave him could have melted him into the bed right then and there. It was the kind of look Daichi had given Suga in the mall, only a hundred times more powerful and full of love, and directed right at him. He could have died at the way Tadashi breathed his name, the word dripping with honey.

He captured Tadashi’s lips in another kiss, long and slow. This time, when his hands traveled under fabric, he was met with nothing but pleased twitches and quiet noises of approval. To his surprise, he wasn’t that nervous. His only concern was that he’d accidentally make his boyfriend uncomfortable, which he’d managed to avoid so far, for the most part. And when Tadashi blushed or sighed as Kei touched him or helped him take off his clothes, it wasn’t because he was having a bad time.

It was nothing like what he’d done with Kuroo. Every movement was careful, measured. Instead of chugging Tadashi, he wanted to take his time sipping him, savoring him. And he did, pressing his lips and tongue to bare freckles that he’d definitely never seen before until Tadashi groaned, exasperated, and told him to move things along.

Tadashi’s fingers traced over his lips. “I want you.”

He didn’t need much more motivation than that. But he opened his mouth to say that they’d need to, well, prepare Tadashi for what was happening next--

“I’ve been masturbating.” He blurted out, causing Kei to blink. “I mean, you don’t need to stretch me out because--you get it.” Even his neck was red now.

Kei paused, looking down at him. “No, no. Explain it to me.”

“Shut uuup,” Tadashi whined, attempting to hide his face in his shoulder. “You’re a jerk.”

Kei chuckled, asking for forgiveness by pressing kisses to his ear. He seemed to be excused as his partner huffed in embarrassment before settling back against the pillow. 

It wasn’t like Kei minded that Tadashi had been prepared. That just made the next part easier. But not  _ that _ much easier because it still took a bit of time, a bit of coaxing, some lube, and a lot more kisses before he was able to slide all the way in. The effort made him lose focus for a moment, and when he looked down, he saw Tadashi staring at him in interest.

“What?” he asked curiously, catching his breath.

“You look good,” Tadashi said, settling a hand on his chest. His eyes became half-lidded. “All sweaty and…”

He trailed off, but Kei could almost hear him thinking  _ inside me _ . Because as much as they wanted to pretend otherwise, Tadashi was pretty dirty-minded. “You feel good.”

With loving impatience, Tadashi replied, “Then move.”

Carefully, he moved his hips, only to hesitate when Tadashi sucked in a breath.

“Kei, I’m fine. Keep going.”

So he did, and he almost stopped a few times when Tadashi looked uncomfortable. But soon, he didn’t think he’d be able to stop as the pressure built up inside of him. He ignored the noises that came out of his own mouth, instead focusing on Tadashi’s ragged breath, the way he clutched at his shoulders, telling him to go harder, faster-

Kei’s nails dug into the sheets as he came and he immediately had to divert his focus to not falling over like a dead fish. As he inhaled a few breaths and returned to the physical world, he saw Tadashi staring at him again, also in a breathless daze.

“Damn, Tadashi.” He’d said it without meaning to, but didn’t regret it because it earned him a giggle.

After a few moments, they settled beside each other, legs tangled together, the fluffy blanket laying over them. Tadashi sighed happily against his shoulder, and for the first time in a long while, he closed his eyes and almost immediately lost himself to sleep because he knew they were going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a song to match the vibes of the end of this chapter: [ (i feel it coming by the weeknd) ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzAXjb9tsw0)
> 
> this was originally supposed to be called “prove you wrong” but it didn’t end up as angsty as i thought it would so here we are. 
> 
> thanks so much for reading <3

**Author's Note:**

> ...this was supposed to be like 2k words adjnfghkghg. but it ended up being quite a bit more, so i split it into two chapters. (but posted both at once because i honestly only want to keep a schedule for the main fic and this is just a treat.) thank you for reading !


End file.
